we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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