at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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