Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
