So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
