He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
