On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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