you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
