As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
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Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
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WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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