i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
