Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
