just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
