Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
There's always time for handjobs
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
