I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
