I'm lost and stupid without you.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
