If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
