two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
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I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
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I don't want my vagina anymore.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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