is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
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Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
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My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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