I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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