Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
