I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
