I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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