They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Sorry my hands just texted you
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
