maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
