I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
