The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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