I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
