He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
