He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
