Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
