I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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