I wish I could punch you in the face.
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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