maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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