Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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