I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
