I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
