Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
