you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
