my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
