I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
