I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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