Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
