Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We're using joints as your birthday candles
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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