i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
