My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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