Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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