thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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