he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
