Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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