I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
