Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
