My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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