gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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