I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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