I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
