I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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