So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
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she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
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i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ππ#pensacolaproblems
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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