I didn't shave. On purpose
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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