i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
